Nerd Jokes

I want to hear your bestest,nerdiest jokes you can come up with steal etc..
during the summer i was living with some of my friends in new york and one guy in particular would always let them slip out.
even in colege when we do linux he manages to exclaim "keep it real-time"(keep it real) about 5 times a day. everyone has one or two,even the whole "10 types of people..." one stuff like that!

"It said 'Insert Disk #3', but only 2 will fit!"

ok, maybe not hilarious, but it's a start :D

malloc

Proper Diskette and Care Usage
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

good job malloc,there must be loads more out there!
that last one was an email but i thought it was pretty good,and i started the thread .....so it qualifies!!

Q. What goes "pieces of seven, pieces of seven..."?
A. Parity error

Endless Loop
A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops.

They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.

The instructions on the bottle said:

* Wet hair
* Apply shampoo
* Wait 2 minutes
* Rinse
* Repeat

Q. What goes "pieces of seven, pieces of seven..."?
A. Parity error

*Throws tomato * :D

This is from www.randomjoke.com

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each only 17 syllables, 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, five in the third.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao--until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.


And another

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

This one's a bit long, so... linky (http://www.datadocktorn.nu/us_frag1.php)

(Note: please don't try this at home :p)

I'm gonna try that tonight!

Lifted from http://www.computer-jokes.net/jokes.php?action=read&joke=648

Reasons Why Windows Is Not A Virus
1. Viruses are free.

2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.

3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.

4. Viruses don't have major bugs.

5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.

6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.

7. Viruses aren't on every computer.

8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...

9. Viruses install themselves !

Also from there:

Quick Guide to Programming Languages
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.


TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.


C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.

Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.

COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.

LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.

BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.

HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Unix:

% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
% ls
%

Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.

Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.

Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.

Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

My favorite (far and away... )

The Internet Help Desk video (make sure it's the- Live Version)

at DeadTroll.Com (http://www.deadtroll.com/index2.html)

Computer Viruses:

Ellen Degeneres virus.....Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virus.....Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virus.....Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus.....Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus.....Quits after one byte
Lorena Bobbit virus.....Turns your hard disk into a 3.5-inch floppy
Tim Allen virus.....Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive
Woody Allen virus.....Bypasses the motherboard and turns on daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus.....Won't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virus.....Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Joey Buttafuoco virus.....Only attacks minor files
X-files virus.....All your Icons start shape-shifting
Ronald Reagan virus.....Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.....Deletes your old files

I want to hear your bestest,nerdiest jokes you can come up with steal etc..
during the summer i was living with some of my friends in new york and one guy in particular would always let them slip out.
even in colege when we do linux he manages to exclaim "keep it real-time"(keep it real) about 5 times a day. everyone has one or two,even the whole "10 types of people..." one stuff like that!

i woman walks into a video store in Ireland, buys an overnight dvd, pays by credit card and proceeds to walk out the store.

the man behind the counter says, "please rewind it before you return".

I was walking around at a computer store when I saw someone with a shirt that said:

The box said Windows 98 or better

So I installed Linux

Not sure if that is a joke or that funny but it was at the time since the guy was looking at a copy of Windows XP.

Here's my nerd joke:

0101000100111010001000000101011101101000011110010010000001100100011010 0101100100001000000111010001101000011001010010000001100011011010000110 1001011000110110101101100101011011100010000001100011011100100110111101 1100110111001100100000011101000110100001100101001000000111001001101111 0110000101100100001111110000110100001010000011010000101001000001001110 1000100000010101000110111100100000011001110110010101110100001000000111 0100011011110010000001110100011010000110010100100000011011110111010001 1010000110010101110010001000000111001101101001011001000110010100101110

01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101111 01101100 01100100 00100000 01101111 01101110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100101 01110011 01110100 00100000 00111011 00101001

(and just in case anyone else needs it - http://www.sitinthecorner.com/binary/binary.php ;))

01011001 01100101 01110000 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100001 01100111 01110010 01100101 01100101 00100001 00100000 00111010 01000100

Although http://nickciske.com/tools/binary.php is the one I prefer...

Re loquin: I have seen that one before...good stuff. :)

Here is a small one:
Question: what is 2 + 2 ?

Engineer:
runs to the nearest vax .... comes back after a second or two and blurts, "the answer is 4.000000000 E+0"

Mathematician:
ponders the question for a while and states with bravado, "the answer is the summation as n goes from 0 to infinity of (3/4) raised to the nth power"

Accountant:
looks around warily and whispers, "what do you want it to be....?"

That's a good one! Especially if your accountant is Arthur Anderson (the famous - and infamous - accountants that were responsible for the Enron debacle...)

Unfortunately, you forgot the VBA'ers response to that question:

A1 = 2
A2 = 2

A4 = SUM(A1:A2)

I swear I'm not a VBA'er though. Honest!

Questioneer: Is the glass half empty of half full?
Engineer: Obivously, the glass was made too large.
Programmer: You'd save time if you only did the comparison once.

...
Question: what is 2 + 2 ?
...
Mathematician:
ponders the question for a while and states with bravado, "the answer is the summation as n goes from 0 to infinity of (3/4) raised to the nth power"
...
I know what is important there was the accountant's reply but, can someone prove me that the mathematician's answer is correct..or is it not?

:confused:

Don't remember where I got this from, but thought it was funny :)


Computers in Movies:

1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

3. All monitors display inch-high letters.

4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.

11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)

14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")

17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")

Don't remember where I got this from, but thought it was funny :)
It needs an addition:

23. Computers are universal devices; they speak a common language. Thus, you can connect any two computers, regardless of whether they were developed on different planets or not. ("Independence Day") [this is related to #7 & 18]

I know what is important there was the accountant's reply but, can someone prove me that the mathematician's answer is correct..or is it not?
Attached :)

Attached :)

Aargh! That was simple.

..i always thought infinite can't have a definite answer, just assumptions. :o

Thanks.

:D

It needs an addition:

23. Computers are universal devices; they speak a common language. Thus, you can connect any two computers, regardless of whether they were developed on different planets or not. ("Independence Day") [this is related to #7 & 18]

Actually, on the famous plaque that was attached to the Voyager spacecraft back in the 1970s, the distances on a map of our solar system (as well as a map of surrounding stars) were given - - in binary notation, and in multiples using the length of the craft as the unit (that length was designated by a "1" in a scaled picture on the plaque). The designers took it almost on faith that alien scientists would figure out that binary was the most universal number system, and that they might be able to figure out what we were trying to say here.

Now that certainly *doesn't" mean that machine language would run unaltered on an alien computer. But there would be similarities. The folks at Alpha Centauri-3 probably diss their dominant O/S every day. :-\

Not technically a Joke, but a flash animation that only a Nerd could fully appreciate.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/noises.php

Jim, that was nice. I like it. lol.

'Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.'' - Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989.

'Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.'' - Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989.

LOL :D, unbelievable!

That was excellent, JimCamel! :D

I found this quite funny:

A physicist and a mathematician are in the faculty lounge having a cup of coffee when, for no apparent reason, the coffee machine bursts into flames. The physicist rushes over to the wall, grabs a fire extinguisher, and fights the fire successfully.
The same time next week, the same pair are there drinking coffee and talking shop when the new coffee machine goes on fire. The mathematician stands up, fetches the fire extinguisher, and hands it to the physicist, thereby reducing the problem to one already solved . . .

Arigato,
Gamer X

Found this in an email.


What Gender is your computer?

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil" is masculine-"le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer,the teacher split the class into two groups - male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the Feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:

1 . In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won !

...A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French.. ... ..The women won !

..as always..

:rolleyes:

I think the guys just conceeded the competition in favour of #1 ;)

this relates to this and the hungover thread i opened this morning!
i was in line for the bar with the original guy last night,i remarked how i hated queuing and he suggested they use a stack...whats worse,im not making this up!

this relates to this and the hungover thread i opened this morning!
i was in line for the bar with the original guy last night,i remarked how i hated queuing and he suggested they use a stack...whats worse,im not making this up!
The first would be the last and the last would be the first. Poor early birds.. i wonder if they'll still catch any worm.

Well, i think all of us will gonna hate that stack system if it gets executed in every line.

:chuckle:

Well, i think all of us will gonna hate that stack system if it gets executed in every line.

oh god thats brilliant and terrible! and most definitely in the spirit of this thread, congratulations!

This isn't a joke. But as we all discover at some point, real life unintentionally exposes the best humor and greatest laughs.

A couple years ago I was providing support for a new tool I had developed. One particular user was getting errors and not very adept at explaining them. After several attempts to figure out what she was doing and what was causing the problem, I asked her to send me some screen shots of the errors.

She responded... and sent the following "screen shots".

LOL :D

Have you ever meet someone who send you photos "pasted" in Word via email...??(because I know a lot of people who does...:huh:)

Why are people so dumb...?

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
I once got a job as a computer teacher for an adult class. The teacher before me had told this people all kinds of wifes-tales and non-truths about computers. One thing he told them was that if they leave a CD in the drive too long, the plasma (???) would leak out, so always take your CDs out after you are done installing or running them. I thought this was the most ridiculoous thing I'd ever head - especially if a teacher is saying it?!

Anyway, so I'm making up my student disks (I had made a master disk of all the tools and lessons for that semester and was making copies for all the students) and I made up labels for the CDs and I noticed that in a spool of CDs, they give you a couple of clear plastic spacers. These spacers look just like a CD, except that they are clear - no shiny silver layer in them. Anyway, I put labels on a couple of them, and on April Fool's day I put a few of them in computers before class got in. Of course when the class gets in, a few students said things like "someone left a CD in the drive of this computer" etc, so I said well check and see whats on it. Of course the computers couldn't read them, so I come over and take a look and show them the underside of the CD (since the CDs are blank, all you see on the bottom is the back of the sticky label) and said "Look! See what happened? Someone left the CD in the drive over night and all the plasma must have leaked out."

Heh-heh - that's a classic. Wish I'd had fun Computing teachers "back in MY day". :p

check this link for anecdotal (?????) funny stories.
http://rinkworks.com/stupid/

What if Operating Systems were Airlines?

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever

Back in the early days, when those bigger, softer 5-1/4" floppy disks were in use, I encountered this one gal in one of our departments who kept her frequently-used diskettes stuck to the side of a nearby metal filing cabinet with cute little refrigerator magnets. Magnets. No lie.

It all looked very nice, but naturally, I was horrified, :eek: told her not to do that. She said she'd been doing that for months, never had any problem.

I suppose that if there isn't too much stuff on the diskette, the used sectors might escape your magnetuc field, but it must have been like Russian Roulette. I imagine she learned that soon enough.

Here is a funny comic I just discovered this morning:
http://www.comics.com/comics/sheldon/archive/images/sheldon2004366040520.gif
I assume I'm not the only one who can identify with it ;)

the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever

Man, that is hillarious!

i was cracking up for at least 3 minutes!

I had a joke called "The contest" about a hacker in a contest with the devil, but i cant seem to find it... A little help?

I found it!!!

(Pretty long)

Heaven's donuts are jelly donuts. The blend of texture, from the cool, sweet ooze of the jelly, mined with tiny raspberry seeds, to the firm, spongy cake, so lightly encrusted in a thin glaze of sugar, that cracks and flakes as you gingerly tear off small pieces of delight, is certainly the greatest experience a humble man can afford.

I was eating a jelly donut when He first appeared in my office, smelling slightly of gunpowder. He was tall and gaunt, with deep-set eyes and crooked teeth, long, delicate fingers, and sloped shoulders. He wore a black Ozzy Osborne concert t-shirt, frayed black jeans, and dusty black high-tops, unlaced. He smiled at me in an ugly way. I put down my donut and glanced at my watch. 7:00 PM.

"You're Mike Kolesnik."

I nodded.

"You're a programmer for CyberHackers."

I nodded again. Not only was I a programmer for CyberHackers - I was the best **** programmer this group had ever or would ever see. I suppose I should introduce myself. I am Michael Kolesnik, master programmer. I'm not just blowing smoke here either. I'm the best **** programmer to come out of MIT since code was constructed one bit at a time. I can do it all: C, LISP, assembly--even the languages no self-respecting programmer would deign to look at. I can do it all in no time flat, with the most elegant of style. Code sprinkled with glistening semicolons and flowing rivers of indentation. Lesser programmers avert their eyes when I enter the room.

"They say you're the best, and I'm here to challenge you." I sized this guy up again. He had the right shape. The pot-belly, the greasy hair, parted with precision. The fingers. And the funny smell. I told him I didn't have time.

"I'll make it worth your while," he said. "I have something you might be interested in. Follow me."

I grabbed my box of donuts, and followed him down the hall and into the elevator. He pressed a button and the elevator descended into the basement. I'd never been in the basement before. For that matter, I didn't even recall that the building had a basement. Nonetheless, the elevator chimed, the doors opened, and we stepped out into a wide room that was entirely featureless. That is, except for the fog on the floor and two workstations that were set up, side by side. One of the workstations was mine. The other was a workstation like none other that I had seen before. It was magnificent.

It was matte black. More than an object, it looked like a hole in space. The monitor it sported was the biggest I had ever seen, and the keyboard was a flow of liquid lines, containing a field of keys of different sizes and shapes, packed in like cobblestones. The mouse floated above the table, and had no wire. Next to the computer was a box with a small chute coming out of one side, and a large red button on the top. The monitor was flanked by two gigantic speakers, and I could see a sub-woofer poking up out of the fog. It hummed. It steamed. It was the most beautiful computer I had ever seen.

"You approve," said the stranger.

I swallowed and said, "It is beyond description."

"It's a custom job. And it's yours. If," he said, "If you can beat me in a coding contest."

I looked at him incredulously. "What's in it for you?"

"I will have defeated the greatest coder in the world, and thus, I can claim that title. AND, I get to keep your immortal soul." He smiled the ugly smile again.

Here was a dilemma. I was dealing with the Devil. There was no doubt about that. And he was no doubt very good. I am somewhat attached to my soul, but oh, the prizes. The glory. I can easily claim to be the best coder in the company, in the Bay Area, probably on the whole planet, but if I pulled this off, I will have shown myself to be the best coder in this entire theology! Vanity got the better part of me.

"What's the contest?" I asked.

I won't bore you with the details, but it was seriously ugly. Ugly in a way that makes the most arrogant of coders cringe and causes managers to pad development schedules into the next century. It had to run in any language, including the nasty chicken-scratch ones. It had to be backward compatible, all the way to the ENIAC. And it had to run on Windows... I cringed. But vanity won. I signed the forms, agreed on a deadline of midnight, and we sat down at our machines and started to code.

My watch said 8:00 PM, and I started warming up. Class definitions flew off my fingertips like throwing stars. Structures and declarations grew like perfect crystals, and I didn't even break a sweat. True to the task, I soon lost myself in an endless cycle of postulate, create, instantiate and verify. Bits grew to bytes, to K, to Megs, and finally to Gigs. By 11:00 PM it had come to that crucial point. With an hour to go, I had to put all the pieces together. It wasn't going to be easy. It was going to take all the concentration I had.

Then I hit the first bug.

At first, I wasn't sure where it was coming from, but then I spotted it. It wasn't mine. It was bug in Windows. Even worse, it was a bug in Windows that stemmed from a timing problem with the system clock itself. I couldn't see a workaround. I was stymied. I genuflected and called Microsoft support. "Hello, and welcome to the Microsoft help line. Please enter your 64 digit user identification number, followed by your 32 digit password."

While I frantically typed number after number, trying to navigate through layer upon layer of phone menu, I heard Him pick up his phone and call a number.

"Hello, is Bill in? ... I don't care, wake him up ... Tell him it's Mr. Black ... Hey Bill, what's shakin'? Listen, I needed to know a workaround to one of your bugs ... Yes, I know what time it is... Yes, I know ... Bill ... Bill! You remember our little deal?... That's right. Now be a dear and give me that workaround ... Mm-hm . Right ... Thank you, Bill. I'll be seeing you."

I was shocked. It was obviously pointless continuing my desperate journey through Microsoft's Help line. I needed immediate genius! I scarfed down a grape jelly. Sugar shock engulfed me, and my vision tunneled. I shuddered once, something clicked, and I determined the answer I needed - I could use the clock on the sound chip to get my timings.

I dove back into the code, and was quickly integrating modules when I hit bug number two. It was even uglier than the first. In fact, it was the ugliest bug I had ever seen. It was a problem with C. With the language itself. There's no way fix a broken hammer using the same hammer.

I wracked my brains. I clenched and grunted and sweated and thought and Thought and THOUGHT, but to no avail. Over my shoulder, I could hear Him chime in, "Bugger, isn't it? I remember putting that one in back when I was working on the Unix kernel. Did you really think there was a Kernighan and Ritchie? Rearrange the letters in their names and you'll discover an interesting anagram."

I ignored him and continued thinking. My mind went deeper and deeper into the problem at hand--my senses dulled, my breathing grew shallow. My eyes rolled back and sweat beaded on my forehead. Clumsily, blindly, my hand pawed it's way to the box on my desk, containing my last jelly donut. It raised slowly to my lips, and I bit.

Pounding waves of sugar induced euphoria washed through my mind. I felt my brain hum and crackle. My hands trembled, my body shuddered, and I began to type. I was a man possessed. Complex topographical math equations formed on my screen. Klein bottles and hypercubes locked neatly into place like pieces of a puzzle. Beyond my control, a complex mathematical world formed in my computer, with additional dimensions unimaginable.

I felt a small pop, and I came to. I looked at my screen. I had worked around the bug. My watch read 11:45. Frantically I continued putting all the modules into place. Glancing for a moment at my rival, I could see I had him worried. He was typing furiously. Smoke poured from his ears, and flames licked around his collar.

Then I hit the third bug.

It was not so much a bug, it was a limit. I only had 4 Gigabytes of memory, and I had used it all. There wasn't a bit left. I had compressed data to a point so fine that it was in danger of collapsing into a black hole. I was storing memory in every conceivable way, including keeping a chain of sound waves running between the speaker and the microphone. There was no memory left to be had.

Frantic, I reached into my box of donuts, and my heart sank into my stomach when I realized that I had eaten the last one. I glanced at my watch, but it was too late. I was sunk. I had done the best that I could, and I had nothing more to give.

The Devil laughed, and grinning cruelly, he reached over to the box with the chute and the button. Remember the box? Slowly, firmly, his hand pressed the red button, and a jelly donut slid down the chute and onto the table.

My jaw dropped. "What... is... that?" I asked.

He casually chewed as he replied, "The Box of Eternal Donuts."

"The Box of Eternal Donuts!?"

"Yes," he said.

"It never runs out?"

"Never," he said.

"It's mine if I win?!?!"

"If you can win, it is entirely yours," he replied, grinning cockily.
(Continued...)

My mind reeled. The Box of Eternal Donuts. The Box of Eternal Donuts! My eyes darted everywhere, my jaw hung slack, and my throat emitted strange animal-like noises. Anything. I would do anything to win! I just needed the smallest amount of memory. But where could I get it from? I glanced at my watch again, and a plan came into my mind. A beautiful, devious plan.

I went quickly upstairs and retrieved the emergency toolkit that we keep in the medicine cabinet. I ripped the case off my computer, and quickly scanned for the right connections. I pulled two wires, and unscrewed the back of my watch. The Devil's eyes widened and he desperately started coding again, but it was too late. I got the last of the memory I needed out of my watch, and pressed the ENTER key seconds before he did.

The watch burst into flames. Sparks flew from the disk drives and the monitor glowed and throbbed, finally melting into a puddle of glass. The computer exploded in a shower of sparks, and then there was absolute silence.

There was a pause, and both of us turned as the printer started, slowly emitting a single sheet that wafted gently into the out bin. I nonchalantly strolled over, and held up to the Devil's scowling face, a sheet imprinted with two words. "Hello World".

Nothing more needs to be told, other than, as I write this, I am sitting in front of my new computer, munching on what is undoubtedly the best jelly donut I have ever eaten...

Favorite error message: "Out of paper on drive D:" This was produced by a timeout error on a slow WORM drive and a defective AT/IO card.

That was truly an entertaining "little" story OtacOn. One that only a programmer could appreciate.

Favorite error message: "Out of paper on drive D:" This was produced by a timeout error on a slow WORM drive and a defective AT/IO card.
I've always love the 'Insufficient Memory to Quit Excel' (used to happen regularly back in Win 3.1) - I've always expected that it would be possible to get 'Insufficient Memory to Quit Windows'!

Back in the early days, when those bigger, softer 5-1/4" floppy disks were in use, I encountered this one gal in one of our departments who kept her frequently-used diskettes stuck to the side of a nearby metal filing cabinet with cute little refrigerator magnets. Magnets. No lie.

It all looked very nice, but naturally, I was horrified, :eek: told her not to do that. She said she'd been doing that for months, never had any problem.

I suppose that if there isn't too much stuff on the diskette, the used sectors might escape your magnetuc field, but it must have been like Russian Roulette. I imagine she learned that soon enough.
One of my first computer classes, we were using 5 1/4 disks. Remember they used to come with a paper sleeve to store them in? Well the teacher had taped all the sleeves to the sides of the monitors so that she could keep all the boot disks handy (this was before hard drives, when you needed a seperate OS and program disk). Remember this is back in the days of big clunky unshielded amber monitors - I can't image how much radiation and magnetic fields these things gave off. It made me cringe, but she said she had never had any problems with them there. :rolleyes:

Those early diskettes were unpredictably touchy. You could handle one with the utmost care, wear gloves, hermetically seal it between uses -- and it would still go bad at the worst moment. Other diskettes you could drop on the floor and kick around and they came through every time. I think the reliability was inversely related to the importance of the material stored.

We had one that got soda spilled on it and dried to a sticky mess. We slit it open, washed the thin, filmy plastic inside with soapy water, dried it carefully, put it into a new jacket (obtained by sacrificing a new floppy) -- and recovered everything on it. But others you'd handle like fine jewelry and they'd go bad.

Lifted from http://www.computer-jokes.net/jokes.php?action=read&joke=648

Reasons Why Windows Is Not A Virus
1. Viruses are free.

2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.

3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.

4. Viruses don't have major bugs.

5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.

6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.

7. Viruses aren't on every computer.

8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...

9. Viruses install themselves !


May just add another one: Viruses work.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that .... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she down loaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Caller : "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech :"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller : "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has "4X" on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off in the drive.

More -- http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/compjokes/stupidtech.shtml

Did you really think there was a Kernighan and Ritchie? Rearrange the letters in their names and you'll discover an interesting anagram.
What's the anagram? :confused:
Great story, by the way.

there ate tons of anagrams. gimmie a minute to sort some out.

4 probable possibilities:
THINNING HACKER AIDER
ANTI HACKING HINDERER
INDIGNANT HACKER HEIR
INGRAINED HACKER HINT

Some other wierd ones:
AIR HARDENING KITCHEN
AIRHEAD INKING TRENCH
INTRENCH AIRHEAD KING

The only full-word (using all the letters) anagrams I can come up with which are found in my dictionary are:
Kernighan = Hankering
Ritchie = Itchier

Whoa. How on earth did you manage to come up with that. Pretty meaningless though, huh? I did see "hankering" and "itchier", but that makes no sense. Ah well.

INHERITING HACKER

Whoa. How on earth did you manage to come up with that.
One possible source is the Internet Anagram Server (http://www.wordsmith.org/anagram/) (or, I, rearrangement servant).

A myriad of humersous computer related stories can be found here (http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/).

A myriad of humersous computer related stories can be found here (http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/).

Those are Great! :D

most of mine I get from http://www.userfriendly.org these all are typically only jokes a geek/nerd would get. Some of them that you may have to hunt for now are...

If microsoft made a version of linux it would be called windex, a cleaner shinier version of windows.

A tech support call...

Greg: Hello this is columbia internet tech support greg speaking what is your problem?
Customer: yeah I'm having trouble with my preferences...
Greg: all right whats your login password?
Customer: yes its, asterik asterik asterik asterik asterik.
Greg looking shocked and bewildered: is that?... really? did you?
Customer: Ha! now you can't tell if I'm being stupid or really really smart!

Another Tech support:
Greg: Hello this is columbia internet tech support greg speaking what is your problem?
Customer: Hello I was wondering if you had to buy stamps to send e-mail.
Greg looking annoyed: No... No sir you do not need stamps to send e-mail.
Customer: Oh ok thanks bye!
(A co-worker walks up to greg) Another stupid question?
Greg: theres no such thing as a stupid question only stupid people.

And the last one the comes to mind (which I did for kicks and it works)

Go in nethack and choose some race that you will have a kitten, I choose a wizard... Kill the kitten with your sword or spell or something. pick up the kitten... then eat it. It will say

You just ate your pet kitten!

Can't think of anyothers right now.

oh, no no no...

how about?:

help desk person: "yes, what seems to be the problem?"
user: "er, umm, I....er..."
hdp: ".....ar, yah, .... ahem. whats the error message?"
user: "....aam, well, I...";
-can you see what I am seeing?......

help desk - .... sure, I, umm, ....";

long pause.

user: "oh,... um, yes!"
help desk: "what?"

user: "...um......I...i....just let me get..er.."
help desk: "What exactly?"

user: "can you, umm, .... why dont you show me, in person...i..ah, there..oh...ah, found it...er....liquid paper...er...you know? um, the, I mean.on the scr.. montr .."

help desk: "I will be down straight away, sir."

-------------------------------------------------

[In the earliest days of PCs, some people would type a command, wait, then ask for help, not realizing that you had to [ENTER] it to have it take effect. They got over that swiftly, but the first time was a steep "learning curve."

- - -

Back about, oh, 1987, I'm on the software staff of, oh, let's just say a big company. After years of working on mainframes and minicomputers, we at last have PCs. I immediately test mine by writing programs in Basic and also with my Microsoft Fortran compiler.

We'd frequently debug small routines on the PC, then load them onto the mainframe for more work (the compilers were not very compatible).

Anyway, one fine day the company sends around this crack team of computer security people, to combat viruses, which they've heard are a problem. When they get to our department, my machine is the first to be audited. Right off, they find an unfamiliar .EXE file in my root directory.

"Uh-oh, an e-x-e file! Where did this e-x-e file come from?"

"That one? Oh, I wrote that. That puts up that screen with the silly greeting on it."

"You wrote it? How?"

"With the Fortran compiler. Well, actually I wrote it in WordStar, but the compiler built the executable."

"Really?"

You see, these folks had just had a crash course in finding and deleting .EXE files. They didn't know doodly about software. And, people in all the other departments just ran canned stuff.

"Hey, have a look at C:\DATA\BIN, you'll see lots of executables. Stuff to support operations"

"Gasp!"

"Uh, guys, I'm a programmer. It's my job to create executables."

They called off the audit and went back to talk to their bosses. I guess we got a waiver to have unapproved .EXEs on our working systems.

you unplug your keyboard, turn on your computer.

" ERROR - no keyboard detected, please press F1 to continue "

...

This isn't really a JOKE.... but it is WAY TOO FUNNY!! I found this e-mail after cleaning out the computer of the fired employee... I had to save it in an archive folder. :D

Note * names have been changed to protect identities...

On Jan 16, 2000 we had an incident here at work. Someone had broken into Petty cash during the night and stole $5000 cash. During the investigation the next morning, the telecommunications person sent an e-mail to the Linda Wood (Head of HR) and copied Kathy Cross (Building manager and secretary to the President) and Michael Smith (Accounting manager) as follows.


-----Original Message-----
From: Sanford, Fred
Sent: Monday, January 17, 2000 10:41 AM
To: Wood, Linda
Cc: Cross, Kathy; Smith, Michael
Subject: THEFT IN THE CORPORATE OFFICE

I don't know where the areas that contained the missing items are located,
but we may want to consider cameras in these areas. I know someone
that I may be able to get to give some ideas and prices. I can get you
his name and number if you would like.

I wish I could be writing with an idea to the person or persons involved.

Thank you,

Fred Sanford
Telecommunications Coordinator

On the following Friday, they announced they had found out who stole the money and was in jail. That would be Fred Sanford.

HAHAHAHA... How STUPID can people be???

:eek:

MD: "I'm sorry trans, your email is unacceptable".

trans: "...hmm.....right....".

MD: "listen trans, I am asking you to leave - get the hell out......
are you listening to me you stupid so-called, university boy?!?...huh?

trans: "ok good. here is the pass..."

MD:...and I am going to have to..."

trans: "...ok, ahem, just let me collect my........."

********* 6 minutes later...

MD: "Lets go."

trans = ....bleeding from a small cut from back of hand.

MD: ".....c'mon, its time to...."

trans: "have you got....er, umm...."

MD: "what?"

....oh, I was just wondering if you have any alcohol in the bar fridge....
--------

:eek:
MD: "I'm sorry trans, your email is unacceptable".
trans: "...hmm.....right....".

***** a Few lines later in the post...


trans: "have you got....er, umm...."
MD: "what?"
....oh, I was just wondering if you have any alcohol in the bar fridge....
--------

EracMan: "huh??" :confused:..."Sorry but it must be from a movie I haven't seen." :confused:

I hope someone else has seen this kind of an error message:

Something like that when I still had Windows ME running (ruining) my computer. Since XP I've had no problems. Have you ever had things like "A fatal error has occurred..." or "Excel caused a general protection fault in..." when no other programs than windows are active? This also happened with IE a lot, after closing! All ME errors, btw.

Forgot to mention a good tech support story I heard.
A friend of mine was working for tech support at the city hall. Someone called him with a question about some floppy that wasn't working. So he told that man to make a copy of it (so he could keep the original one himself) and my friend would see what he could do about it.
Later that afternoon there was an envelope on his desk with a photocopy of the floppydisk...

Forgot to mention a good tech support story I heard.
A friend of mine was working for tech support at the city hall. Someone called him with a question about some floppy that wasn't working. So he told that man to make a copy of it (so he could keep the original one himself) and my friend would see what he could do about it.
Later that afternoon there was an envelope on his desk with a photocopy of the floppydisk...

You can occasionally catch someone who's put a floppy, CD or reel of tape on the copy machine, presumably to get the information on a label. Then you can stroll by and say "That's not going to work," and make 'em feel real dumb.

Tech Support:"Technical Support, this is John How can I help you?"

Customer:"My Monitor just died."

TS:"Did you turn it off?"

Cust:"No I was just typing a letter and it went black."

TS:"Is the computer still on?"

Cust:"Um...I'm not sure, I think so."

TS:"Check to see if the computer is plugged in."

Cust:"Yes it is plugged in."

TS:"Ok, now check to see if the monitor is connected to the back of the computer."

Cust:"Ok, hold on...<grunting>...I can't see if it is or not."

TS:"You mean you can't move the computer to see the connections in the
back?"

Cust:"No I mean the power went out in the building and it's dark, I can't SEE!"

TS:"Okay do you have the box the computer came in origanally?"

Cust:"Yes."

TS:"Pack the computer up in the box and send it back to us right away."

Cust:"Wow is it that serious? What do you think the problem is?"

TS:"You are far too stupid to own a computer!!!"

No one will need more than 637 kb of memory for a personal computer.

Bill Gates, early 1970's

You can occasionally catch someone who's put a floppy, CD or reel of tape on the copy machine, presumably to get the information on a label. Then you can stroll by and say "That's not going to work," and make 'em feel real dumb.
Once I was doing a service call for a fax server. On the bottom of the machine (it wasn't much bigger than an external modem or an external CD-ROM drive) was a sticker that had the model and serial number and the default configuration and the dip switches meaning and the support number and all that jazz. Well rather than write all that down, I just put the thing on the copier and made a copy of it. The receptionist saw me doing this and gave me a puzzled look. I wanted to think of something totally off-the-wall to say, but my brain just wasn't working fast enough.

Got the following in an email (guess it makes it worth coming in work today):

Abbot & Costello in the 21st Century
ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just
say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I
watch them?

ABBOT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I
do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue w is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!

ABBOT: No, just one, but it's the most popular word in the world

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping
you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

ABBOT: Money

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOT: Why not, they own it. :D

I am so going to use those jokes. Sweet.

http://www.jeb.be/images/others/school.png

There is also this one:
http://www.pen.k12.va.us/Div/Winchester/jhhs/math/humor/comics/computer/binary4.jpg
And This:
http://www.pen.k12.va.us/Div/Winchester/jhhs/math/humor/comics/computer/ft030416.gif

they're really good whered you get them?

http://www.pen.k12.va.us/Div/Winchester/jhhs/math/humor/comics/computer/boot2.jpg
http://www.pen.k12.va.us/Div/Winchester/jhhs/math/humor/comics/computer/box.jpg
Gar - Right-Click the image, select "properties"

By the way, in the FoxTrot comic where Jason is speaking in Binary, he is saying the word "Greetings" (He only says "Greetin") :)

I knew it!! This explains everything!!


Important Theological Questions that are Answered
If we Think of God as a Computer Programmer.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step
through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought He eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but He is often amazed to find out what
goes on in the daemon scripts.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages Him
automatically and He logs on from home to try to bring it up.

Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on Jolt and
candy bars. On the seventh day He went home and found out His
girlfriend had left Him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project; now we are in
the maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but
personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers
than he actually possesses, so nontechnical people are scared of
him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to
mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And
searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a
request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites
running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because He values elegance and simplicity, but
then the users and managers demanded He tack all this senseless
stuff onto it, and now everything is more complicated and
expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will He listen?
A: You can waste His time telling Him what to do, or you can
just get off His back and let Him code.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just
pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put
you down.

Q: Is God angry that Jesus was crucified?
A: Let's just say He's not going to any more meetings if He can
help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the
food turned out to be murder.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a
common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.

Q: What was Aramaic?
A: The original Higher Order MACRO Language.

Q: What does that make Ancient Hebrew?
A: Aramaic++

Q: Why don't we see God at work?
A: God works at interrupt level. When He wants to do something,
He suspends our processes, saves our registers and status, and
swaps us out. Then He works His will on the world. Then He
swaps us back in, restores our registers and status, and resumes
our execution. To us, things appear to change by magic.

A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away. Then the supervisors check the target and see that there's not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely. So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer. Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger. When he saw it he shouted back "I don't know, it's working perfectly here, the problem must yours..."

Somebody I know commented that he had all the Windows versions right from 1980 to 2000. In other words, he meant that he had Win80, Win81, Win82, Win83 ... uptil Win2K.
I obviously couldn't swallow that. I gave him a detailed explanation about the Windows versions till date but the guy won't budge and nor would I.
Finally, I decided to go to his house to check the authenticity of what he was saying. He switched on the computer and in the first screen that appears, he proudly showed me the proof of his claim. I couldn't help laughing at what he showed. The idiot was supposing that '1980-2000' meant that he possessed all the Windows versions.

Microsoft Windows 98
Copyright Microsoft Corporations 1980-2000

Not a joke, it really happened to me. Someone (family) asked me to take a look at his computer, maybe it needed a virus scan or something, because "When I close all these little messages, they reappear instantly". Well, that virus scan wasn't going to be run, because the computer was completely down due to a worm. "So these messages are not from Windows :huh: ?"
A friend and I ended up installing the harddisk in another well-protected computer to view the contents of the disk. It then turned out to be one of the last WinME computers without any protection! (At least I hope it was the last.) It was like Russian roulette!

Somebody I know commented that he had all the Windows versions right from 1980 to 2000. In other words, he meant that he had Win80, Win81, Win82, Win83 ... uptil Win2K.
I obviously couldn't swallow that. I gave him a detailed explanation about the Windows versions till date but the guy won't budge and nor would I.
Finally, I decided to go to his house to check the authenticity of what he was saying. He switched on the computer and in the first screen that appears, he proudly showed me the proof of his claim. I couldn't help laughing at what he showed. The idiot was supposing that '1980-2000' meant that he possessed all the Windows versions.

Microsoft Windows 98
Copyright Microsoft Corporations 1980-2000

While your friend my be stupid, you have your facts wrong.

There was no "Win81, 81..."

They started with "Windows" then moved on to windows 2.0
Those were both relative flops

Followed by Windows 3. Big Success!
Win 3.1 was used for Home users with support for sound cards! (yay!)
Win 3.11 had advanced networking called "Workgroups" (sill used today)
From here on windows broke into 2 categories:
Win 9x, and Win NT
After that came Win95
Then Win95 with USB support
Then 98, 98SE, & ME.
Win NT went through all four versions, then to 2000
and now it has merged back with 9x to create WinXP

Now we have Windows Server, etc and we will soon have Longhorn.

How is what Antariksh said wrong?

He didn't say anything wrong.

There is no such thing as "Win80, Win81, Win82, Win83" or any thing like that

Exactly the point of his story. ;)

Somebody I know commented that he had all the Windows versions right from 1980 to 2000. In other words, he meant that he had Win80, Win81, Win82, Win83 ... uptil Win2K.
I obviously couldn't swallow that. I gave him a detailed explanation about the Windows versions till date but the guy won't budge and nor would I.

I think you missed that part there Otac0n.

i see where otacon is coming from. he typed it in a way that seems like he knew these supposed versions existed but couldnt swallow that the guy had them all.
back on topic





* 'Hello World!' 17 errors, 31 warnings
* It compiled? The first screen came up? Ship it! (Bill Gates)
* 1024x768x256 Sounds like one mean woman
* 2B OR NOT 2B = FF
* A bad day: 'Transfer completed (5720468 bytes, 1 CPS)'
* Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
* Bad or Missing Sysop. Free files in all areas.
* Best 3D game? DOOK. I mean DUME.
* C:\PROGRAMS\FAULTY\TRASH\SICKJOKE\WINDOWS>
* Canadian DOS: 'Yer sure, eh? [Y,n]'
* CAUTION! Do not look into laser with remaining eye.
* Coming soon: Doom III - What The Hell?
* Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: COMPLETE mean?
* DEVICE=LIFE LOCKED@AGE25 HEALTH=PERFECT
* Earth is shutting down in five minutes - please save all files and log out
* Error 109: Error 108
* ERROR! Windows found! Formatting Drive C:!
* Ever noticed how fast Windows run? Me neither
* Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades
* File not found. Nobody leave the room!
* Have a nice day - unless you've made other plans
* Honey, I Formatted The Kid!
* I t#ld yo#, 'Never#touch #he flop#y disk s#rface!'
* I wish life had a scroll-back buffer
* Insert disk 5 of 4 and press any key to continue
* Insert Mouse into drive A: and press any key
* JESUS SAVES; the rest of us better make backups.
* Life's too short to use a slow modem
* Error: Floppy not responding. Format drive C: instead [Y/N]?
* MafiaDOS: 'Thisa you lasta chance [Y/N]'?
* Moderator not found. Begin flame war [Y,n]?
* MOUSE.DRV not found, use RAT.DRV instead?
* On a hacker's tombstone: CONNECT 1964 - NO CARRIER 1994
* Only XT users know that January 1, 1980 was a Tuesday.
* Out of paper on drive D:
* Press ESC to enter or Enter to escape
* Real_men_don't_need_spacebars.
* REALITY.SYS corrupted. Reboot UNIVERSE [Y,n] ?
* Southern DOS: Y'all Reckon? (Yep/Nope)
* The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.
* The Ultimate Virus: A self installing copy of 'Win95'.
* The world is coming to an end-please log off.
* There is a bomb on the premises. Please PANIC immediately.
* This copy of planet Earth has been unregistered for 4 billion years
* Track 0 bad?? Don't worry, there's lots of others
* Troubleshooting Shortcut #1: Shoot the trouble!
* Unknown Error on Unknown Device for Unexplainable Reason
* User Failure: Please Insert a Bootable Brain.
* Welcome to Hell! Here's your copy of WINDOWS
* Will Write Login Scripts For Food
* Windows 6345634.45a: please insert disk 95 of 5645
* Windows 8783837773.2c! We finally got it right. (Bill Gates)
* Windows: the $89 solution to your excess speed problem
* WindowsError:010 Reserved for future mistakes
* WindowsError:042 This virus requires Microsoft Windows.
* Your brain doesn't have enough memory, please make a boot disk
* Machines should work. People should think.

There seems to be some confusion. I gave a detailed explanation which included that there were no such versions as Win 81, Win 82 etc.

Two Hydrogen atoms are sitting at the bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron."
"Are you sure?" asks the second.

Says the first...

"I'm positive...".


My apologies to all. :p

Two Hydrogen atoms are sitting at the bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron."
"Are you sure?" asks the second.

Says the first...

"I'm positive...".


My apologies to all. :p

And another atom sitting at the bar says to the other "I am very excited nowadays"...
The other replies, "You look nevous, give up that electron you found man!"

My apologies, too . I couldnt help myself hehe

This is the story of a young man who applied for a job as an Office Boy at Microsoft. He was called in for interview, was found suitable for the post and was asked his email address so that he could be mailed the details. The poor man replied that he couldn’t afford to access the net and so didn’t have an email address. The angry Microsoft officials reprimanded him saying that they would never employ a person who had no regard for technology and didn’t have something as commonplace as an email address. The poor man left the office dejected. Amassing some money, he set up a fruit stall. He was very hardworking and made great profit. He upgraded the stall. Luck favo(u)red him and he got enough money to set up a small shop. Never looking back and fuelled by hard work, he became very rich. The small shop became a supermarket and slowly he became the owner of a chain of supermarkets across the nation. But, he still wasn’t techno-savvy and didn’t have an email id. A billionaire now, he was once interviewed by TV channel. They wanted to tell everyone about this man with a humble beginning who had brought himself to such a level. He was congratulated for his success and asked:
“Today, you are a billionaire, but are not techno-savvy at all. You don’t even own a mobile! Where would you have been if you were techno-savvy and advanced and modern?”

The man calmly replied:
“Why, yes. I would have been an office boy in Microsoft.”

True story. So true, I printed it out and framed the page.
One day, I'm sitting around, fooling around with my ClarkConnect Server and I get the most hilarious error I've ever seen.

It read something like:
Warning
Something weird happened.

Also, a little saying I thought was neat:
"We have enough YOUTH, how about a fountain of SMART."

Not really a joke, but kinda funny.

My neighbor recently called me down because he wasn't getting any sound. He told me he called Dell tech support and they had him do a system restore and all kinds of other junk. I told him I'd stop by on my way to a friends house and take a look. When I get there, he shows me that he isn't getting any sound and reiterates what he told me on the phone. I sit down at the desktop, open up Volume Controls and turn his volume up. Problem solved.

A tribute to Dell Tech Support.

i got an "internal error while trying to display an internal error" today!

That's AWESOME!

My browser always performs some illegal operations.

Will I be held responsible for it ? :chuckle:

My browser always performs some illegal operations.

Will I be held responsible for it ? :chuckle:

Only if it happens on days that end with a chr(121)

Hehe, great stuff. Here is my favourite (I am an engineer):

--------
An optimist says that the glass is half full.

A pessimist says that the glass is half empty.

An engineer says that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that :- "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Gates' comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that...


I like this version:

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

"There's no place like 127.0.0.1"

also a funny website:
http://rinkworks.com/stupid/

It's full of funny things that seem to happen between technical support people and users with 0 experience.